How to Live in a Toxic Relationship
How to respond to accusations and insults from a Narcissistic husband
Are you married to a narcissist, you don’t want a divorce, and you want to make it work?
If you are in a toxic narcissistic relationship that is full of drama trauma and chaos, you will want to listen to my video to learn how to respond to them in 5 different ways.
I am an ordained healing and deliverance minister with 25+ years including counseling and anxiety coaching for them to recover from anxiety issues to live a fulfilled life in Christ and get your life back.
Make sure you subscribe to my channel to be notified of new videos to help you overcome toxic relationships and the damage it causes such as anxiety, stress, and depression.
I’m sure you have heard of the term “Love bombing” which
refers to intense emotions, affection, and admiration from someone who gives to another person in a relationship. Narcissists can be very charismatic and charming.
Maybe your narcissistic husband fooled you while dating him since he used flattery and intense affection toward you. He seems like the real thing but dangerously manipulates you to believe he loved you. He may have seemed perfect. You thought he was amazing. Unfortunately, it was all a manipulation for him to get this gratification from you. You may have helped him to look good, stroking him that fed his ego.
Did you know the bible refers to flattery in scripture as the following:
Proverbs 26:28 A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin.
Psalm 78:36-37 Nevertheless they flattered him with their mouth, and they lied unto him with their tongues. For their heart was not right with him, neither were they steadfast in his covenant.
Psalm 12:2-3 Neighbors lie to each other, speaking with flattering lips and deceitful hearts. May the LORD cut off their flattering lips and silence their boastful tongues.
Do you notice a pattern during your relationship that every time you pulled away he flatter you to win your heart, and then wham hit you again of belittling, accusing or insulting you?
In Psalm 55:21 His speech is smoother than butter, but there is war in his heart. His words are more soothing than oil, but they are like swords ready to attack.
Narcissists will project their stuff onto you of what they're doing themselves. They may even say you have a problem when it is their problem. Narcissists lie, manipulate, and cheat. So, remember, their projected accusation is their confession to you. Don’t give in to their projected accusations.
If you plan to stay with your narcissistic husband, you must remember you cannot change them, but you must change yourself to adapt to stay safe. Meaning, get strong in your identity in Christ to survive this relationship because they love to get under your skin. They want to control and isolate you. They want you to see them as number #1 in your life.
I’m sure you feel frustrated, beaten down emotionally, and feel as though you lost your identity. Then, I feel stressed, have to walk on eggs, and do not know when the next attack will come. Do you get anxious around him?
Living in a narcissistic relationship of emotional abuse can erode self-esteem and confidence, then suffer from anxiety and depression. That is what many narcissistic men do to women. You love but hate him simultaneously but cannot leave the relationship for whatever reason. There is hope.
The only time I would suggest leaving is if he becomes physically abusive or threatening your life.
What makes narcissistic people?
They suffered from absolute or imagined rejection and decided no one would reject or put them down again. Because of the rejection, they have self-hatred and are tormented souls who love company. According to psychologists, narcissism is a very insecure person who inflates themselves by putting other people down to feel better about themselves. They have an inflated sense of self-importance. Symptoms include an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others’ feelings, an inability to handle criticism, and a sense of entitlement. The sad thing is their condition is chronic (lifelong) and cannot be cured only if they recognize it and yield to God. When you look at Saul, he is narcissistic and is cursed and dies at the end.
Isaiah 57:21 'There is no peace,' says my God, 'for the wicked.'
Why do narcissists love to falsely accuse you?
As you know now, your husband deceived you, and you really don’t want to stroke him. They notice it. When that happens, they falsely accuse you of getting gratification when you react. Then, they will use that reaction against you and put you down, insult you, attack your Christianity, and make you feel as though you are the crazy one.
Narcissistic men are like interrogators and will continue to throw out wild accusations at you. The accusation is one of their many toolboxes to criticize and belittle you so they feel better or gaslight you into second-guessing yourself. It feeds their ego.
Narcissistic people do not receive criticism very well and will make you pay back through accusations, silent treatment, or other forms of manipulation.
Five ways in How do you respond to them God’s Way?
1. When your husband accuses you, you will be tempted to defend yourself and lash out in anger – this is the reaction they want from you to make you look bad, especially around other people.
When they cannot get a reaction from you, they will try to guilt you, which is another way to manipulate you. They want to get inside your head. Remember, A narcissist has a lot of tools to get under your skin. Don’t fall for that trap. Stand in your power and know this is a trap. Fight the guilt.
Protect your heart: Imagine putting a wall around your heart so as not to receive the accusation, lies, and guilt he tries to impose on you. Visualize a trash can and throw their evil words into the trash. Don’t receive them in your heart.
Proverbs 14:29, “Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly."
Prov. 15:1, "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs anger."
2. You must show confidence with no emotion when answering back. Be matter-of-fact with them. They want to attack and show off your wrong side to feed their ego. They think they are better and superior to you. Remember, they will keep pushing you to get a reaction.
James 1:19: "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger..."
3. Ask questions. For example, why are you accusing me of cheating on you? Then, ask them, “Are you cheating on me?” or “Why do you think I am cheating on you?” They should just say “no” or have a reason. But if they blow up on you and twist it, that is a dead giveaway of guilt. Pull them back to the point of discussion if they twist your words. Say, “Why are you accusing me of cheating”? You need to stand in your truth and take your power back.
Prov. 15:18: "A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention."
4. Set boundaries. Do everything you can to stay calm and collected. Stand your ground and take care of yourself by excusing yourself to the bathroom, walking, driving, etc. But set boundaries on them. If they get angry and yell, that is where you set the boundaries and refuse to talk to them. The boundary is that you will not discuss it while they are yelling.
Ecclesiastes 7:9, “ "Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools."
5. If your narcissistic husband thinks there’s room here to discuss, debate, or fight, they’re not going to stop throwing out accusations. Continue to placate them and say things like:
- “It’s unfortunate you feel that way.”
- Depending on the accusation, “This isn’t up for discussion.
- I’m not going to argue with you.”
- “If that is what you believe, I don’t care.”
- “You can feel that way if you’d like, but keep it to yourself.”
- Narcissists must always be right and don’t want to hear anything you have to contribute to the discussion, say, “I hear what you are saying, but I just don’t agree, or I have to think about it to try to end the conversation. You cannot win with a narcissistic person.
- Let’s say it is a matter of opinion. Who cares if they are wrong if it doesn’t affect anyone else. For example, fighting over scripture is not worth it. You don’t have to prove yourself. Again, validate them by saying, “I hear what you are saying, but I just disagree, and if you want to believe it, I am OK with it. Then, walk away.
- If they project something onto you, such as that you are a liar, then say, “If that is what you believe, fine. God knows the truth,” and end it there. Then, walk away.
Eccles. 10:4, "If the ruler's anger rises against you, do not leave your place, for calmness will lay great offenses to rest."
On a side note, if you are thinking of leaving, document everything on their stuff to have the upper hand. Don’t let them know you are documenting. The narcissist will lie and do anything to make you the bad guy in court.
Living with a narcissist is being all the ball all the time. So, when talking to a narcissist about something they need to do around the house, speak in the third person with them, say something nice about them, and then ask. Why? Because they have filters, everything they hear is accusation and rejection to even when it is not. Make sure they do not redirect the question.
While married to a narcissist person, get a support group from family and friends, or even get counseling to help you survive.
Col. 3:15 “"And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful."
1 Tim 2:8 “"I desire then that in every place the men should pray, lifting holy hands without anger or quarreling..."
There will be times when you will slip and fight him. Remember to repent to God and forgive yourself. Do self-care. Again, make sure you sign up for my channel. I would like to work with you if you suffer from negative thought patterns of insecurity or anxiety.
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